I got the funnies....

Lol, so I was bored, and had ~2 hours before I play tennis so I started browsing the net for some entertainment... I came across this:

"The School Answering Machine
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it."

Here's another one:
"How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF ------- AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS."

Censored #9, for those that really want to know go to ...

But I'm sure some of you will figure it out...

Edit: Got both from funny.com...
Edit2: There are so many more, so funny... really should check it out if you're bored. HILARIOUS!

I liked the school one since it happens all the time.Schools just follow their job from the district and parents complain about all sorts of things.

THIS IS HELARIOUS!!!

+1 rep

Rofl, u rep people for showing funny link? Where have u been all my life, i can show u XXXXXXXX amount of amusement entertainment

Lol I know right, I'm about to post a few more jokes and make sure Dfro sees 'em lol.

^^ let not abuse reputation point now. The worth of reputation should not be allow to be abuse! Do not tempt your kind-hearted friend as it will get him in trouble ^^

I know, I was just joking earlier... I'm well aware of rules and general etiquette

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.



... Do not ask me where I found those.

• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
  
• A. I refuse to answer that question.
  
• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
  
• A. I refuse to answer that question.
  
• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
  
• A. No.
  

• Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
  
• A. By death.
  
• Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
  

• Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
  
• A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
  

• Q. What is your name?
  
• A. Ernestine McDowell.
  
• Q. And what is your marital status?
  
• A. Fair.
  

• Q. Are you married?
  
• A. No, I’m divorced.
  
• Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
  
• A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
  

• Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
  
• A. My ex-widow said it.
  

• Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
  
• A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. '
  

Again, do not ask me where I found those.